Taking Ownership
I have made it no secret around here that I struggle with depression. In the 4.5 years since Cooper's birth and the onset of a nasty case of post-partum depression, I have been on medication more than I have been off. My bottle of Zoloft has become my companion, my love, and sometimes the only thing that can get me through the day. Roughly 99% of the time, I am totally fine with it, and I have no shame in admitting that I rely upon a little beige pill to make me happy. Within that other 1% of the time is an abundance of shame, as well as anger, sadness, and disappointment . . . I have a wonderfully blessed life, and yet, I HAVE TO HAVE a little beige pill to make me realize it.
I don't want to be depressed. I want so badly to overcome the massive genetic predisposition and the just-plain-crappy things that have happened in the last 4.5 years. I don't want to dwell on the 4 moves that hubby and I made in 4 years or on the major career change that he made in the process. I don't want to admit that making the leap from being a woman who earned a paycheck and had a recognized purpose in the world to being a stay-at-home-mom has been harder than actually becoming a mother in the first place. I don't want to be the woman who is so obsessed with her dead baby that she can't entirely enjoy the living babies that are right in front of her each and everyday.
In the past, I have flippantly referred to myself as 'crazy'. I take crazy pills for my 'crazy' mood and behavior, and frequently blame things on my 'crazy'. I have come to realize what a huge disservice I am doing to myself and to anyone else who struggles with mental illness in referring to such as 'crazy'. To refer to the intense emotional (and sometimes physical) pain and suffering that depression encompasses as 'crazy' belittles its significance and diminishes its seriousness. This dismissal has also led to a great deal of passive acceptance on my part. Rather than face my problem head-on, I have waved it away with a flick of my wrist, pretending that it wasn't that big of a deal and that it was really just a 'thing' that happened to be going on. I have spent years dancing around my depression, acknowledging its existence only by taking a little beige pill and not actually dealing with the issues it encompasses.
I wish that happiness were as easy as popping a pill and thinking about rainbows and puppy dogs or that I could just will myself to be happy, coaxing it out of myself by concentrating really hard and painting a smile on my face. The truth is, after 4.5 years, I have forgotten how to be genuinely happy. The little beige pill stopped cutting it some time ago. I can't pinpoint exactly when it all happened, but I can concoct excuse after excuse for it . . . getting pregnant again so soon after Quinn's loss, the rollercoaster of pregnancy after loss, Quinn's birth/deathday, 3 children under the age of 5 . . . somewhere in the midst of all of that, I went into survival mode, concerning myself more with just getting through the day and focusing less on actually enjoying it. And I have finally had enough.
It is now time for me to make some major changes; to look at myself in the mirror, swallow the fear of actually being happy that has developed, and to ask for help in a big way. I have stepped beyond the comfortable realm of my doctor's office and her prescription pad, and am seeking help from a mental health professional - I will start individual therapy next Monday. I can't lie . . . I am terrified. I am not one to ask for help or to admit defeat - it just isn't in my nature, and I pride myself on being the one who can take care of everybody and everything. But I will swallow my fear and follow through - I owe it to my husband, my children, and most importantly, to myself.
My name is Nicole, and I am clinically depressed.
(Note: I chose to write this not for sympathy or to have people feel sorry for me, but for my own accountability, but for the same reason I keep Quinn's story here - I know that I am not alone in the world and that there are an alarming number of people out there who are in the same situation as me - and if I can persuade even one person to stand up and ask for help, than baring my soul has been worth it.)
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23 comments:
That's really tough to deal with Nicole, I am glad it helps to talk about it. I hope you start to feel better and can find happiness through the therapy :)
Good for you! You are NOT alone!!
You are not admitting defeat! Getting therapy and talking about it openly is brave and helpful. I went to a therapist after Doug died, and she suggested an antidepressant. I decided not to take one, feeling that if I did take one, how would I ever know when I was truly feeling happy again? (I'm not against drugs. Just didn't feel it was best for me). I do feel that ignoring the pain and not going through the "grieving process" will backfire and catch up to you at some point. I am proud of you and happy that you are going to get help. Hugs!
You aren't alone at all when it comes to feeling depressed and overwelmed. You have had/have a lot on your plate. I hope that you start to feel better soon. Keep us all posted. :) ((hugs))
I have been surprised by the number of moms in the world (blogging and otherwise) who are medicated for depression but who don't seem to see the need to do more than that. It seems to me that therapy should be some sort of standard operating procedure when it comes to prescriptions for depression. A pill might make you happy for awhile, but it shouldn't be considered long-term.
Of course, I have A LOT to learn about depression. Dealing with my MIL and her depression opened my eyes a bit, but she had zero coping skills to begin with. And she would have NEVER done therapy (but she's over 80).
I have never been to a therapist, but I can't see the harm in doing something that can only make you more aware of your emotions instead of dampening them. It's OK to be unhappy. It's also OK to be happy. It's recognizing when to ask for help that's important. It can't be easy. I'm hoping for FANTASTIC results for you. You deserve it.
This is such a helpful, healthy step!! I was on Paxil for many years (until we started trying to conceive - and then I had a ton of withdrawal symptoms that have kept me from going back on). Rather than go back into that realm when we lost Maddie, I decided to go to a counselor - and it's the best thing I've ever done. Just make sure you're comfortable with yours - shop around until you find someone who makes you feel safe and who you don't sit there and silently judge (it happens).
Hugs and lots of encouragement!
OOOOOoo So brave! I too take "crazy pills" and have THOUGHT about going to therapy to see if that would help instead - but the doctor always says it's missing chemicals in my brain so I just figure talking about things wouldn't help - but I wonder you know?
I honestly really REALLY hope you'll keep us updated on your progress - if this works for you and you can live pill-free then maybe I could TOO! How HUGE would that be? GIGANTIC. SUPERGIGANTOR! :)
I'm so excited for you! EEEEEEE!!!!
You deserve to feel better. I'm glad you took the first step.
I <3 you.
I think it's incredibly brave and strong of you to go to a therapist. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I can only imagine how out of control you must feel. I really hope that you find some answers and some true happiness!
I am sorry this decision has been a struggle for you. Please don't ever feel 'crazy' because you are clear on how you feel and want to get it to a better place. That is very sane!!
Talking with (the right) therapist(s) is always a great idea. And you may find it to work well in conjunction with medication or independent of it.
I hope just taking a step onto this path helps you feel, at least, a little better today. You deserve all the best and will find it when you look. Thinking of you!
Oh, honey! There is no shame in what you are going through, just tragedy in not getting help.
I sincerely feel that when you (or anybody) are depressed you are not your "real" self. You are an altered person due to the chemical imbalance in your body that got you that way. Getting help and finding a prescription to get you back to the you that you're supposed to be is The. Most. Important. Thing.
God bless you and keep you!
I felt the exact opposite of you with the "crazy" reference. When ever I go through moods and J says something about being crazy, I flip since I do not feel crazy, but there is something there that needs addressed. I have often thought about trying therapy, but I don't know if I could ever open up enough for it to be effective. My dad made me go in college and I cried for 45 min each session and said nothing. I really hope it works for you.
You're singing my song, girl! I have battled with depression and anxiety for most of my adult life and in retrospect, probably much of my teens as well.
Mostly, I get overwhelmed with the anxiety portion of my issues and on some days it's just harder than others.
I applaud you for taking the next step, I'd personally recommend it to anyone :)
Everyone deals with things differently. If making light of the situation and calling it "crazy" is ok with you, than don't stop. It's tough to admit depression. Sometimes I wonder if I have the same thing. So many changes that weren't planned. Being a "grown up" in a life that I never envisioned I would be in... I didn't lose a baby, but I struggle with an ADHD son. And I talk to the therapist regularly.
Asking for help for my depression, when it ruled me, was one of the HARDEST things I've had to do. So I can understand that and GOOD FOR YOU for taking the initative to getting help and wanting to be HAPPY (I know it sounds like I'm generalizing with the word "happy" but I'm not).
I hope this next step is SO helpful for your health and well-being of you, and your family as well. Big hugs to you!
You are incredibly brave and strong. Good for you for taking this HUGE step -- I hope that it will make you feel better in time! We are all behind ya!
good for you, nicole. you deserve to feel happy. best of luck!
Nicole, I really hope this helps you. I can relate to the "crazy pills." And as I'm sure you know, there are far more people out there in the same shoes as yourself. Good luck, you deserve every happiness out there!
I went to see a therapist this year as a first step before going on the little white pill and the therapy really helped. I was surprised because I sort of thought of it as a joke, I have plenty of people to talk to (like you, for example). I guess I just needed to have someone tell me that it is OK to not be perfectly happy all of the time and that maybe the stress of the last few years has hurt me a good deal emotionally. I still wonder if I should try the pills, I don't know.
Do you take vitamins? I've had good luck with fish oils, Vitamin D, Vitamin B3. I figure they can't hurt, right? :)
Hang in there, Nicole. Writing about it is great therapy in itself, and your sessions will help you cope as well. Thanks for sharing with the world - and me!
I've suffered from depression and anxiety for years. Reading your story makes me feel like I'm not alone and not "crazy" even though my own husband refers to me as such. It's a joke, he tells me, but after awhile it starts to hurt. I'm neurotic, a hypochondriac and I'm often anxious over really stupid things. I pray a lot. I take zoloft. I'm trying to do something about it. I don't want to be called "crazy."
Then again, if I can be "crazy" with you then I'll take it.
Keep us updated on this therapist thing. I'm thinking of doing something similar.
Nicole,
I read "Sippy Cups" and followed you from "Leftovers" and then here.
I have been dealing with the diagnosis of anxiety and depression for more than 8 years. (I've had major anxiety issues since I was a child, which is why I say I've only been dealing with the "diagnosis" for 8 years.)
I have been seeing someone for it since 2002. Eighteen months ago, I switched psychiatrists. I also do therapy with my psychiatrist. The FIRST thing my new doctor did was start to wean me of the medication I was on. It look several months. (I'm just coming up on my one-year-med-free anniversary.) Not everyone can be med-free, but I can.
Generally speaking I DISLIKE going to my appointments. But I know that's normal, in part because someone who has been through it told me it's normal. But she also told me how WORTH it it is. And she's right.
My new doctor actually makes me deal with all my stuff, and get to the root of my issues. This isn't fun. BUT after 18 months of weekly appointments, I just started going every OTHER week. Yay!
I'm not sure if we've "met" on "Sippy Cups" or not, but, even so, I know this is deep for someone's first comment on a blog. Just wanted you to know that I can identify with some of what you're going through.
GOOD LUCK, and I hope you'll stick with it. Once I was ready to really deal with my stuff (when I changed doctors), life started to get so much better.
Rebecca
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